SaraHey, you wonderful soul. Let’s dive into the patterns of our weird bonding mechanisms and talk about something that keeps you circling, but not moving: our bizarre love affair with our problems.
The Weird Comfort of Struggle
Here’s a fun fact: people love their problems. We cherish our problems like they’re some kind of monopoly edition – Game of Life. We check in with our problems as if they are the guardrails to the path of living righteously and earning the permission to live a better life. Why? Because besides other stuff, they give us something to bond over. Problems are like emotional glue, holding our fragile egos together.
You really are gifted if you find the person you can bond over your immense joy and unshakable sense of inner peace (never forget though, you are part of it as well). We rather connect over struggles, over late-night rants about our crappy jobs, our annoying partners, or the existential dread that creeps in when we’re trying to fall asleep. There’s a strange comfort in knowing that our problems make us relatable, they give us a certain dynamic in our everyday lives we can share so we don’t feel alone in this rollercoaster called life and more, we know about the better life as we see the problems. On top, have you ever noticed how much attention you get for sharing problems? It seems we rather have a story than a life.
Inside this frame of the premise “the harder you fight, the better (person) you are” we follow this misguidance that leads to creative problem breeding so you can bond over them. Such problems are so reliable they become the inner core of our comfort zone, which I even like to call control zone.
And of course, having a problem puts you in an exalted position. I know it sounds weird, but since the theoretical option of solving or letting go of the problem is in your hands, it gives you some sort of power. The problem becomes an object, like an old vase you kind of want to get rid of, but since there is still room on the shelf you just keep it there. You become a good manager or administrator, the ruler, the king or queen of your problems – Why would you want to lose your crown? I get that!
Safety in the Devil We Know
We have become life manager. We are flooded by advice for a better life, we find names for any pathology there is, and over all the possibilities we tend to think it’s about finding the one perfect life. We manage our lives, problems, and loved ones. We have the upper hand over a life with manageable problems. You know what to expect. You know the drill.
Living in joy and high expansion? That’s a different ball game. It’s unpredictable and it needs antifragility. The ability to seek the good life lies in the quality of energy. It’s like stepping into a bright, uncharted territory without a map. Most of us would rather deal with the devil we know than risk the uncertainty of living in pure, unadulterated happiness. It’s safer to stay in our comfort zone of manageable misery than to venture into the unknown. Admittedly, there once was a time when the identification of a problem was the greates survival skill – is this thing eating me or can I eat this?
Another reason why it is so much easier to bond over problems than joy: it’s the words. To paperwrap our messages we use words. But have you ever noticed that there is no antonym of problem? How do we converse over things where there is no word for? (At least in the languages I know – please share if you know otherwise!!).
In the problem breeding culture there is this dangerous aspect of “feeling of entitlement”. It is closely connected with: “the more we struggle, the more valuable the outcome”, we keep the focus on problems to expect a reward and acknowledgement once we overcome the situation. We tend to think once we let go of our problems, we are entitled to happiness. Well, that’s not the case.
We are facing the hardest task of our evolution: The struggle of balancing autarchy and community. The impersonal and superficial sharing of problems water the growing inability of deep and comitted relationships on the one hand and the self-suppression on the other. You see, it’s never the problems itself causing the struggle.
The Intelligence of Problem Identification
In today’s world, being able to identify problems is seen as a mark of intelligence. We’ve equated skepticism and cynicism with wisdom. The more problems you can point out, the smarter you appear, the more people you can connect to. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to look smart?
But here’s the kicker: this constant focus on problems makes us hypersensitive. We start responding to every little hiccup as if it’s life-threatening. Your Wi-Fi goes out? Panic mode. Someone cuts you off in traffic? Road rage. Your favorite show gets canceled? The world is ending.
This perpetual state of high alert isn’t just exhausting; it’s downright dangerous. Our stress levels go through the roof, our health deteriorates, and our ability to enjoy life shrivels up like a raisin in the sun. By treating every minor inconvenience as a crisis, we’re effectively making our lives one continuous emergency while nothing really happens. Your mind and immune system goes disco while you practice your self-care routines and buy the 100th self-help book.
Much of what we group under self-care and self-love practice is about solving problems you don’t need or don’t have in the first place. There is this implicit message: “Take care of yourself, love yourself (’cause nobody else would) otherwise you are doomed in a world that is dystopian anyway.” And there goes this natural need of bonding to waste: We kind of need each other, that’s why we bond. But we live in times where we pretend that deep bonding is just a failure to make own decisions and live independently. We control our relationships over the problems we share. Somehow, that’s intelligent.
Hier noch den Phoenix Effekt rein oder wo habe ich den dann noch drin???
But you can’t fool nature. She is not up for excessivness, she just is. Just like your immune system which reacts like it’s used to. Once, problem identification was about leveling up evolution-wise, nowadays most of it is whining or gatekeeping.
I know, there is not much to tell about a healthy and vital life – You know when you know. It’s a state of presence you can’t really put into words. It’s a determination and a vision; an attitude towards life itself.
The Real Life Threat
Here’s the ironic twist: the way we handle our problems is, in itself, life-threatening. Our bodies aren’t designed to be in constant fight-or-flight mode. Chronic stress leads to a laundry list of health issues, from heart disease to mental health disorders and chronic illnesses.
By clinging to our problems and treating them as apocalyptic, we’re digging our own graves. We’re so busy managing our chaos that we forget to actually live. And in the end, it’s not the problems that kill us; it’s our obsession with them. We literally stress-grow us health problems that cage us on a fixed level of problems we “solve” with treatment or medications. The self-help industry is at its top. They tell you about solving problems for a better life while being the gatekeeper of them.
Don’t get me wrong: There is nothing more conventient than having solutions for health problems, but let’s not create them and breed on meds.
There is also another threat: We are losing the ability to deeply bond with the person opposite of us. Yes, we are connected and maybe hyperconnected. These superficial blue-print connection leads to objectifying each other while we are ugrently searching for true and comitted connection. With social media and the support of the extroversion we are trying to fool our nature which is finding safety within ourselves and over the deep bonding with each other.
So infact, we use our problems as a wall to hide behind.
The Real Nature of a Problem
It’ s not really our solely choice to live with or without problems. It just seems we have lost the ability to differentiate them in intensity and urgency. The lifestyle we created around sharing problems and connecting over them has become a toxic pathology. We have turned our natural needs into a marketing strategy – we hold ourselves and each other as means to an end.
The most important character treat is the dynamic of a problem. After exploring in the first part why we love our problems, it’s time to delve deeper into the different dynamics of problems. Not all problems are created equal, and their intensity and nature dictate how we react and manage them. So, let’s break down these dynamics and figure out what type of problems you have in your life.
Existantial Problems: Let Your Instincts Take Over
Existantial-problems are the kind of issues where there is no ifs, ands, or buts. They demand your full attention and all your resources. Anybody who has faced these kind of problems knows there is not much words, not much time and a total focus to alter the situation.
Everything is set on: Get out of it – whatever it takes.
For most of the existantial problems you are not the source of it. You didn’t create them. Some call it destiny or just bad luck, but you are the victim in this situation. Remarkable that no one stays in this situation by instinct. The short time frame and the intensity to act is massive! By instinct you would act to just get out of this situation to whatever cost – fight or flight!
Those problems have a quick and immediate dynamic. You are fighting for your existance!
Life-Threatening Problems: Funnel Your Resources and Solve Them
Health issues are the perfect example. When your body is failing you, there’s no choice but to act immediately. These problems force you to put everything else aside and find a solution. While it should be a no brainer to want to be healthy, there occurs the paradox again: If there is treatment, the problem becomes solvable. So why putting your time to get to the roots of it when you can handle the symptoms? There’s the split in those who take responsibility and change their life-style (while they still can) and others who look for medications and experts to help them make it better. Oh yes, right. We did talk about expectations and entitlement…
Even with life-threatening problems, we tend to take the easiest route once we get used to them. Instead of addressing the root cause of the issue, we prefer to manage the symptoms with pills. It’s less exhausting and feels safer. The truth is, we like it when our problems are manageable, even if it means we’re not really solving them. Ironically, the more medication we have, the less the probability you will really change anything.
I also call this phoenix life-style: The proof of resurrection is given by rise and fall – over and over again. It’s like: “Oh, I know I can quit smoking. I’ve done it 48 times.”
The difference to the existantial problem: Your life is in threat, but not right now facing death. You have alternative solutions.
The only valuable thing to learn here really is to identify the quality of your problem.
Go check the dynamicst: For those who really want to change something, it’s about habits, comittment, and persistence. Yeah, I know. It’s a longer way to go and the hardest part is to keep going and alter your belief system, your life’s philosophy.
For those who want to keep the problem and treat the symptoms, they need to act when it alters the category like when peaks arise to make it existance threatening.
In the end, the real problem is your attachment to the problem and the identification with it.
As Master Yoda said: Do or Do not – There is no Try! Solve your problem or your treat your Symptoms – your time will pass!
Problems with New Challenges
Then there are solvable problems that create new problems when you solve them. This type of problem is particularly insidious because it keeps us in an endless loop. Imagine you have an issue at work, like an inefficient workflow. You find a solution by introducing new software. Great, problem solved, right? Kind of. Now you have a new problem: training employees, adapting processes, and possibly facing resistance to change.
This dynamic allows us to love our problems because they keep us perpetually busy. There’s always something to do, always a new challenge to tackle. It’s an endless game that makes us feel productive even when we’re running in circles. I even wish we had a different term for them, because they don’t keep your life and beliefs in a vicious circle.
The most important characteristic of this is that these problems are not part of you! You do not identify with them! They don’t make your life miserable, they just need your focus. If you know anything about game theory, here you can play! These chains of problems need strategically thinking which gives you a meta level to it.
By the way: This is where the so called “overnight success” stems from.
Positive Problems: Visions of a Good Life
Finally, there are positive problems that arise from a vision of a better life. These problems are different because they stem from a desire for growth and improvement. You see a goal ahead, a clear version of your life, and you recognize the gaps that need to be filled to get there. You know what to do!
We definitely need a new word here!!
Any great athlete, any high achiever has such a mindset! They train their mindset to clarify and assure their vision. They practice to welcome any greatness and stay curious of what they can still do – even beyond their imagination. And they bond with over them.
This calls for self-responsibility. When athletes visualize they see the inner film through their own eyes. It’s not a scenario they see, it’s a vision (like a future memory) of their lives. From this point, all action is the logical consequence of what needs to be done – Oh boy, let me tell you how self-efficacy can be fun and salvation!! Athletes love to hold themselves reonsibile, just as all high-achievers! They will find a way to level-up. Even if this means to zoom out, take time off or do totally different and random things that do not seem connected to the issue – but to their mental energy. Time management and timing is a power skill in this context.
These types of problems are essentially challenges that push you to grow.
Poeple with such a mindset feel the need to act, they sense the desire, but are still humble and grateful for what they have and what they can do for it. They live with the uncertainty of their full potential, but are curious. They enjoy the thrill of the way. The focus lies in bridging the gap between your current state and your desired state.
Of course, athletes have something measurable and very specific they train for. But, there are also random biographies where people have a clear vision of who they want to be and how they want to live, what values allign with it and no matter the setback they keep going.
The power of these goal-oriented problems lies in the ability to zoom in and out at the right time. Zoom in and focus on what you are doing, be present and put some quality in your action. Zoom out to clarify the goal. Does it allign with your resources, your values, and your higher vision?
Breaking Free
So, what’s the solution? How do we break free from this love affair with our problems? It starts with a shift in perspective. We need to stop glorifying struggle and start embracing joy. I know it’s easier said than done, because much of how you perceive the world as philosophie and how you treat yourself sits deeper. Joy and feeling joy has to do with expansion, with growth, but if you keep holding on to your problems, why would you want to expand?
Start with little things, make a list of all the good things you already have.
Find role models; even for just one aspect.
Act!!
This doesn’t mean to ignore problems or pretend they don’t exist. It means not letting them define us. It means recognizing that while problems are a part of life, they’re not the entirety of it. Cut down to the core of a specific problem? De-group them – get your distance! Make it a game and start playing.
To truly understand what type of problem you’re dealing with, you need to step onto the meta-level. This means taking a step back and analyzing the dynamics of your problems. Ask yourself:
- Is this problem truly life-threatening, or am I overreacting?
- Am I creating new challenges by solving this problem?
- Does this problem stem from a desire for growth and improvement?
- Do I have a sense of the life I want (to feel, to see, to bond over)?
- In what context does this problem occur?
- How do I feel?
When you can anticipate the dynamics of your problems, you’ll become better at recognizing them and acting accordingly. You’ll be able to distinguish when it’s time to funnel all your resources and solve a problem, when you’re stuck in an endless loop, and when you should focus on the positive challenges that enrich your life.
I love the reminder: If it’s hysterical, it’s historical to recall – the problem might not be the problem.
It’s about finding that balance between addressing issues and celebrating the good stuff. It’s about being okay with the uncertainty of happiness and the unpredictability of joy. Do you already have a vision of you being whole and living this life? Do you value your values?
Love your problems. It is a smart move to connect superficially, sometimes. Just like dogs do to recognize the other’s in the parc – take a smell.
All problems can be altered by action! Get familar with the difference of pain and suffrage and act whenever you suffer. Find the things in your life that suit you for fun, get a hobby (if you don’t know which: just try them all!). Go and play!
It boils down to curiosity where you need to ask the right questions for you!
So, let’s raise a glass to our beautiful, chaotic, problem-ridden lives. But let’s not stop there. Let’s also toast to the moments of peace, the bursts of joy, and the thrill of the unknown. Because in the end, life is too short to be lived in crisis mode.
By understanding the dynamics of our problems, we can navigate them better and focus on what truly matters. So, love your problems less and live your life more. Recognize the type of problems you have, step onto the meta-level, and act accordingly.
Well, that’s my rant for today. Now, go out there and enjoy your beautifully flawed existence. You’ve got this.
